FIC: A Jealous God (Fruits Basket)
Aug. 11th, 2007 09:59 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ficwizeTitle: A Jealous God
Fandom: Fruits Basket
Character: I seriously debated NOT writing this fic, because the character is, in fact, a spoiler. But, the Japanese manga is done and the English manga that reveals this spoiler is due to be published VERY SOON. So… this fic is about Akito. Please don’t read if you’re staying spoiler free. If you’re not staying spoiler free – enjoy!
Warnings: Violence; disturbing source material; child abuse; mental instability, spoilers for nearly every character for the entire manga
Author's Notes: I am not sure if this story really utilizes the quote I was given, but the quote definitely led me to think of this fic.
Written for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
femgenficathon. Many thanks to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
diabel_gt and shikach0u for the betas!
As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.
It is only the vulgar who are always fancying themselves insulted. If a man treads on another's toe in good society, do you think it is taken as an insult? -- Lady Hester Stanhope.
(i)
“Okaa-san…” Akito saw her mother stiffen and turn towards her.
”What is it Akito?”
“I want to wear the red kimono, Okaa-san. Please.”
Ren’s face contorted in disgust. “No. That is totally inappropriate. You will wear clothes befitting your station, Akito.” Ren pointed at the boy’s clothes she had laid out on Akito’s bed.
“I want to wear the kimono,” Akito insisted stubbornly. “I don’t want to wear boy’s clothes.”
“You are a god, Akito, not a mere girl. You will wear clothes that reflect that.”
“I WANT TO WEAR THE KIMONO!!!” Screaming, Akito leapt forward and began beating her fists against her mother’s chest and stomach. ‘I DON’T WANT TO BE A BOY!!!”
“Women are weak, foolish child!” Ren pushed Akito away from her, her face contorting in rage. “I will not have a weak child! The head of the Sohma family cannot be weak!” Enraged, Ren opened Akito’s wardrobe and began yanking all of the girl’s clothes from the hangers and throwing them on the floor.
“Nooo! Okaa-san, no! Please!” Tears streaming down her face, Akito dropped to her knees and began trying to pull the clothes away from her mother.
“Your father indulged you! You were his favorite! He loved you even more than he loved me! That’s unnatural! I never wanted you! I never wanted you! You were never supposed to be born! Your father indulged you! You were his toy!”
Akito was crying so hard that she didn’t even see her mother, who never touched her if she could help it, reach down to rest a hand on her head. “You were just his toy, Akito. But you can’t be that anymore. He’s dead. You have to be strong. You have to be the god that the juunishi are looking for. He is gone and he is never coming back. You must be strong, or you will lose them all.” Ren’s voice was soft, crooning, as she knelt beside her daughter. “It is time that you forget that you were ever a girl. Get dressed, now. We have to go to the funeral.”
Tears blinding her, Akito obeyed, stumbling to the bed where she dressed in the boy’s clothes her mother had lain out. She didn’t turn around as she heard her mother gather the clothes from the floor and leave the room with them.
The sound of the door closing was the loneliest sound Akito had ever heard in her life.
(ii)
Stepping back, Akito rubbed her palm absently, soothing the sting in it. Violet eyes looked up at her, watchful, wary, even as small hands dropped the toy that had led to the slap.
”Get out,” she hissed. “Go! I don’t want you here any longer! Go!”
“But I am supposed to play with you…” He voice squeaked and Akito was almost forcefully reminded of the rodent he represented.
“You are nothing but a toy!” She screeched, making the younger boy in front of her cower. “I only play with you when I choose!” Leaping forward, she slapped him again, harder than before, making him cry out before he fell to the floor. “I can break you, if I want! No one will stop me!”
“Akito-san, please…” He knelt before her and she felt a surge of power, of rightness from his submission.
Viciously, she slapped him again. “Be quiet toy-Yuki. I don’t want to play with you anymore. Go away!”
Wheezing, he staggered to the door, blinded by tears. Over her shoulder, Akito saw her mother watching her. She raised her chin, defiant, and Ren moved away, wordlessly.
Quieting, Akito looked around her. No one would oppose her. She was no mere girl to be scolded by adults. She was, after all, a god.
Reaching out, she picked up the toy that Yuki had dropped. He never should have touched it. It was hers and she didn’t like to share what was hers. The doll looked up at her, purple eyes watching her reproachfully. “You’re mine,” she whispered to it. “You are mine. Yuki is mine. They are all mine. And I don’t have to share.”
(iii)
Of the elder members of the Juunishi, Akito liked Shigure the best. He was the only one who disobeyed the silent dictum to always treat her like a boy. He was always kind to her, snuck her sweets and toys, girl’s toys, when Ren wasn’t looking, and he told her that she was pretty.
It was strange that such a bland complement affected her as much as it did, but she thrilled to his words. As a girl, she had giggled helplessly, earning one of his rakish grins and a rogue wink. As a woman, she had turned to him blindly, seeking someone who would hold her and whom she would believe when he told her she was beautiful. As a god, she wondered what benefit he was hoping to earn.
“Akito,” he had begged once, his skin still flushed from her hands and mouth, his eyes still cloudy in sated lust, his voice almost shy. Turning, naked, she watched as his eyes traced down her body. He sat in her bed, the sheets doing more to emphasize than to hide his body. “Love me…”
Looking at him, Akito felt the three parts of her soul clash, and when she spoke she knew that the god had won. “I do love you, Shigure. You are so very pretty…”
She saw him stiffen and she suppressed a cruel smile. “You are a good dog, Shigure. Loyal and trustworthy.” The flicker in his eyes confirmed for her what she had long suspected, though she didn’t know if it was because she was no longer a mere girl, or no longer a mere woman.
“Love me, Shigure, and I will love you. But I will not be used by anyone.”
(iv)
She knew the moment it happened and she screamed. Maids came running from every direction to tend to her, but it wasn’t until her mother swept into the room that Akito was able to control her hysterical tears.
“Kureno… bring him to me,” she gasped, kneeling on the floor, her fingers scrabbling uselessly at the wood planks. She didn’t look to see if someone ran to obey her. Someone always ran to obey her.
“What is it, Akito?” Ren asked, her voice icily detached and Akito looked up at her mother, her eyes brimming with hatred.
“You do not care about me,” she hissed. “I will not trust you! Go! Leave me!”
“As you wish.” Ren’s eyes were cold, but her smile was cruel. “I will leave you. Eventually, everyone will.” The last words were spoken softly, and they were lost in the noise of Kureno’s arrival.
“OUT!” Akito screamed at the onlookers and they raced to obey her. Stumbling, Akito moved to where Kureno stood, white, shaky. “How?”
He didn’t answer her and she lashed out at him, striking him with closed fists until finally he reached up to gently take her hands and stop her. It was then that she knew she wasn’t trapped in a nightmare. “You’re going to leave me,” she sobbed, her mother’s oft repeated prediction coming back to haunt her.
Kureno stayed quiet, still too stunned by the sudden sense of freedom to answer. Before him, Akito fell to the ground, sobbing as though her heart would break. Slowly, Kureno knelt beside her and gently took her in his arms. “I will not leave you, Akito.”
“Why would you stay?” Akito demanded harshly, knowing that his life had not been easier than that of any other member of the Juunishi… thanks in large part to her.
“I belong here,” he whispered into her hair. “With you.”
“Yes…” Akito answered, weakly. “You do.”
(v)
Hatori smiled at her and Akito stiffened. There was something about his smile that was different, something that she didn’t approve of.
“Hatori-san?”
“Yes, Akito-sama?”
“Your new nurse, what’s her name? Kana-chan? How is she working out for you?”
She knew by the way he stiffened that she had found the source of his new happiness and jealousy flared through her. She did not want him as a lover - she had Shigure and Kureno for those needs – but neither did she want him to be happy with another woman.
Hatori was one of he few who knew that she was a woman, after all, but he had never looked at her like one, unless it was through the eyes of a doctor.
“She is working out beautifully, Akito-sama. I am very happy that she is here.” His tone – cautious, hopeful, happy, worried – enraged her.
“You will have to bring her here to me, Hatori-san, the next time you visit. I have not yet had a chance to see how the two of you get along.”
He turned his eyes to her, then, and she longed to claw them out because of the pained resignation she saw in them. Did he not know that he was hers?
“As you wish, Akito-sama.”
But it wasn’t as she wished. It never was. If it were, she would not have to fight to keep those that were hers with her and interlopers such as this Kana girl would fade into insignificance without her intervention.
Exhausted, she slumped over and Hatori hurried to her, worry foremost in his eyes now. She smiled at him, reaching up to pat his cheek. “Thank you for coming to me, Hatori.”
“I will always come when you need me, Akito.” The doctor dropped the honorific and looked into the eyes of his god with resignation. “Always.”
(vi)
“Rin,” Akito spoke the name with disgust and eyed the girl in front of her. She hated everything about this girl, from the long dark hair and the nickname that was similar enough that Akito was always reminded of her own mother.
“Akito.” Rin stood up straighter, her face carefully neutral.
Rin’s failure to use an honorific curled Akito’s face into a snarl of rage. “You dare, girl? You dare to refer to your god so casually?”
A flicker of fear passed through Rin’s eyes, but her parents had trained her well and her face remained impassive. Akito slipped behind her, her fingers going to curl through Rin’s hair, before fisting in the heavy locks and jerking downward.
Rin, though representing the horse of the zodiac, in her frailness, was unable to stand up to Akito’s might and fell to the ground. Akito drew her hand back and slapped the side of Rin’s head hard enough across the ear that Rin knew she wouldn’t hear anything from it but ringing for days.
“I meant no insult,” Rin whispered, her self-loathing and disgust at her own weakness, her own sudden capitulation, clear in her voice.
“Lies, child. Such lies,” Akito replied, her voice silkily smooth and cast in a tenor that did not reveal more than she wanted. “You cannot lie to your god.”
The bond between that existed between Akito and each of the juunishi flared to life and Rin dropped her face in her hands, her long hair still tangled in Akito’s fingers. “Forgive me, Akito-sama.”
“Perhaps,” Akito murmured, her hands now gently caressing Rin’s head. “In due time.”
(vii)
Hatsuharu proved to be a favorite. He listened to Akito, his eyes wide, his face believing. For the time, it suited Akito to treat the boy well. It allowed her to fill his mind with secret knowledge – that the ox was really the most imbecilic of the juunishi, that the ox should have been first in her heart, and would have been, but for the rat, but for Yuki…
It amused Akito to see the way that Haru’s face twisted in rage when Yuki’s name was brought up. The boy’s tangible despair when Akito sent him away so that she could spend time with Yuki, or any of the others, gave her a sick sense of pleasure. She wanted to be first in his heart, and when she saw that she was, she felt a sense of security that she had not felt since her father died.
“He will leave you, too,” Ren had predicted acidly. “One day, he will know that you are not what you seem and he will choose another to pledge his loyalty to.”
“What do you know?” Akito had raged at her mother, but Ren had merely shaken her head and gone about her business.
That seed of doubt stripped away Akito’s faith in Haru. When she saw him once voluntarily seek out Yuki for a conversation, she stopped calling for him to visit her.
(viii)
Akito had never really given much thought to Kisa. The girl was quiet and timid, even before she became withdrawn. She was everything that Akito resented in the supposed gentler sex – sweet, endearing, innocent… Kisa possessed all these qualities, which made her of little use to Akito.
Therefore, it came as a shock when Hiro told her that he wanted nothing more than to be with Kisa and protect her. A flash of rage swept through her, though she managed to repress it. Akito saw, but she did not believe, that the very traits that drew Hiro to Kisa were the ones that she had thought showed only weakness.
And yet, another member of the juunishi stood before her and innocently proclaimed that he would always love Kisa… would always be there for her… would protect her at all costs. Jealousy flooding through her veins, Akito vowed that Hiro would not do as he said. He would not choose Kisa over her. He would choose his god first; he had to.
Akito mentally decreed that it would be so, and her mouth twisted into a cruel smile that made Hiro step back warily.
In the end, Hiro would not choose the innocent and sweet Kisa over Akito. But, Kisa would be punished for tempting another of the juunishi away from their proper place. It was Akito’s will. It would be so.
(ix)
“The boy’s own mother rejected him.” A voice was whispering in the hallway outside of Akito’s room where the god lay ill. “She deliberately asked Hatori-san to erase her memories so that she would not even remember that she has a son.”
Even though fever wracked her body, Akito turned her head to hear more. Which of the juunishi was this? Hatori would only erase the memories of those who knew the curse.
“The woman doesn’t understand.” The maid sniffed, haughtily. “She isn’t even Japanese…” From the recesses of her memories, Akito saw a blonde German woman’s face appear and sighed. Momiji, then, had been rejected.
Bitterly, Akito thought that it was often the case with those who were affected by the curse. The mothers often couldn’t cope. Rejection, in all its various forms, was a theme that Akito could comprehend.
Despite herself, she felt a small stab of pity for Momiji, whom she knew as a vivacious and cheerful child. Was it better to have a mother who had no memory of you by choice or a mother whose only memories of you were bitter pills to swallow?
“Hatori-san took the boy in,” the maid continued, her voice approving. “He will be cared for and loved.”
Perhaps, Akito thought, that was her answer. Momiji would be cared for and loved. It was more than she had, even though her own mother knew her face.
(x)
Of all the members of the Juunishi, Akito got the most amusement from Ritsu. The cross-dressing monkey’s spastic behavior and almost maniacal need to apologize for every action, although muted in her presence, were never fully suppressed.
When Shigure had shown her how to calm Ritsu down, she and the dog had shared a genuine laugh, real pleasure flashing in her eyes.
“Ritsu, you simply must learn to calm down,” Shigure helped the other cousin to sit up on a cushion from where he had collapsed when Shigure poked him lightly in the side. “It is not healthy to be apologetic.”
“I am sorry, Shigure-san.” The slightly dazed look on Ritsu’s face faded slowly, but he nodded as he folded his hands over the front of his kimono. The small movement drew a frown to Akito’s face, but she shrugged it aside.
In her own mind, she knew that she should censure Ritsu for eschewing his natural male strength to hide, literally, behind women’s clothing. Still, for all her flaws, Akito could not bring herself to criticize another for cross-dressing. Especially not when Shigure’s eyes held that knowing glint that said he was aware of her momentary irritation and wanted to see how she would react.
“Serve the tea, Ritsu,” she ordered and the timid cousin jumped to do as she had asked. Meeting Shigure’s eyes challengingly, Akito lifted her chin slightly. Shigure grinned at her, then raised his steaming cup of tea in a silent toast to her.
(xi)
“Akito-sama,” Ayame’s voice, most often filled with the manic glee that Ayame seemed to summon just from being alive, was subdued. “Akito-sama, my brother…”
“I have allowed him to live with Shigure for the time being.” Akito waived her hand, trying to dismiss the silver haired snake. “He is not here any longer.”
“Thank you, Akito-sama.” Ayame bowed low, then left the room. Akito mulled over his comment. Was he thanking her for the information, as she had at first assumed? Perhaps he was thanking her for letting Yuki go and live with Shigure?
Surely that wasn’t it. Ayame had never cared a whit for his brother, his jealousy engulfing him from the moment that Yuki-kun had been born the rat. Akito had seen the elder brother’s disillusionment as his parents had pushed him, the once favored son, aside in favor of the one born most special in the eyes of the zodiac god.
Akito had played with Ayame’s emotions ever since she’d seen him crying to Hatori. Although the snake was her elder, he craved her attention, her affection, as did all the members of the Juunishi. She deliberately distanced herself from him, calling him to her infrequently, and making sure that Yuki was always there when he came.
For one that constantly sought the spotlight, Akito found the perfect method to ensure that he never left her, that he always craved her presence, her attention, her approval...
She ignored him.
(xii)
Kagura confused Akito. The god’s natural inclination was to dislike the girl… after all, she was a girl. That alone made her a danger, but when the child developed a fascination with the cat of all creatures, Akito left her alone, except to study her in a slightly disgusted way from a distance.
Kagura was the antithesis of all the traits that Akito labeled feminine. Oh, at first, the girl came across as quiet, shy and demure, but that façade quickly fell to the side when Kagura found passion about anything. Then, like the animal that possessed her, nothing stood in her way.
A part of Akito that she would never admit existed was jealous of Kagura - jealous that Kagura’s mother supported her, despite the fact that the girl was possessed by a spirit of the juunishi, despite the fact that Kagura preferred more traditionally masculine activities, despite the fact that Kagura proclaimed her love for the cat, loudly and at length, whether people would listen or no.
Kagura, to all appearances, refused to apologize for herself. To Akito, who sometimes believed that her mother was right about women, this was abhorrent, but it also represented something that the god longed for… freedom to be herself.
Afraid that she would reveal her own jealousy, Akito avoided Kagura, leaving the younger woman to comfort those that Akito rejected to the best of her ability, unaware that the god scrutinized her and found someone to envy.
(xiii)
Akito recognized arrogance. She recognized it from her own mother, who had radiated the astringent atmosphere the way that some mothers exuded love for their children. She recognized it from the way that Ren had always told her to put aside her girlish habits and become a true god to the juunihsi.
She recognized it from the expression in her own eyes on those rare occasions she saw a glimpse of herself in a mirror.
She did not recognize it in Hiro, though the boy appeared to be trying to give off an air of arrogance with all his might. That, she mused, was his problem. Arrogance was not an act, it was a state of being, it was knowledge of superiority. Try as he might, Hiro did not truly believe he was special.
It was an act; his acerbic wit and offensive apathy, he did not mean them. Ironically, this made him both interesting and boring at the same time. Akito was not so unaware of herself that she did not know that the juunishi feared her. Especially the younger ones, who did not know that she was not the man she pretended to be.
Becoming the god allowed her the freedom to make them fear her even as she craved their love so much that her body ached for it. Hiro couldn’t tell her that he loved her; he could only tell her that he loved Kisa.
So she drove him away from that which he most wanted and took his fear as payment for that insult, thereby insuring that never again did he regard her with anything resembling arrogance in his eyes.
(xiv)
Monster.
He didn’t even count as part of the zodiac. It disgusted Akito that she even felt a pull towards him and she knew from the look in his eyes that he shared her disgust to a degree.
Reacting to that revulsion, she drew closer to him, but not close enough to touch… never close enough to touch him. “You are still mine, cat. Make no mistake. You will end your days as mine.” She smiled at him, maliciously. “I’ve built a place for you.”
Kyo jerked away from her, his breath coming harsh and fast. “I will never be yours, Akito. You’ve made that very clear.”
The bitter tone in his voice stopped her and she turned to stare at him. “But you want to be, don’t you, Kyo-kun?” She purred at him. Coming closer, she reached out, but did not touch him. “Of all the cursed, you most want to belong to me.”
The haunted look in his eyes confirmed her suspicion and she laughed, even as she swallowed her revulsion. Naked want shone out from his orange eyes, not fully concealed by the hostility he projected as his shield to the world. If he became hers…
“Tell me, Kyo-kun, how badly do you want to be a member of the juunishi?”
He regarded her warily, swallowing hard. “Why? It doesn’t matter…” He retorted harshly.
“If you become one of us,” Akito countered skillfully, “I won’t lock you away.” She held her breath, watching his eyes grow bigger and his pupils narrow to slits as he considered her words. When he moved, she wasn’t expecting it and she was unable to avoid him as he grabbed her by the shirt and shoved her roughly against the wall.
“Swear it, Akito-sama. Swear you’ll give me a chance.”
She relaxed and smiled at him, and it wasn’t benevolent. “I’ll swear I’ll give you a chance, Kyo. Win your freedom and become one of us. Or spend the rest of your life in the cat’s prison.”
Either way, she thought, you’ll never leave me.
She laughed. She was a god. Kyo and the others belonged to her. And she didn’t have to share.
Fandom: Fruits Basket
Character: I seriously debated NOT writing this fic, because the character is, in fact, a spoiler. But, the Japanese manga is done and the English manga that reveals this spoiler is due to be published VERY SOON. So… this fic is about Akito. Please don’t read if you’re staying spoiler free. If you’re not staying spoiler free – enjoy!
Warnings: Violence; disturbing source material; child abuse; mental instability, spoilers for nearly every character for the entire manga
Author's Notes: I am not sure if this story really utilizes the quote I was given, but the quote definitely led me to think of this fic.
Written for
femgenficathon. Many thanks to diabel_gt and shikach0u for the betas!As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.
It is only the vulgar who are always fancying themselves insulted. If a man treads on another's toe in good society, do you think it is taken as an insult? -- Lady Hester Stanhope.
(i)
“Okaa-san…” Akito saw her mother stiffen and turn towards her.
”What is it Akito?”
“I want to wear the red kimono, Okaa-san. Please.”
Ren’s face contorted in disgust. “No. That is totally inappropriate. You will wear clothes befitting your station, Akito.” Ren pointed at the boy’s clothes she had laid out on Akito’s bed.
“I want to wear the kimono,” Akito insisted stubbornly. “I don’t want to wear boy’s clothes.”
“You are a god, Akito, not a mere girl. You will wear clothes that reflect that.”
“I WANT TO WEAR THE KIMONO!!!” Screaming, Akito leapt forward and began beating her fists against her mother’s chest and stomach. ‘I DON’T WANT TO BE A BOY!!!”
“Women are weak, foolish child!” Ren pushed Akito away from her, her face contorting in rage. “I will not have a weak child! The head of the Sohma family cannot be weak!” Enraged, Ren opened Akito’s wardrobe and began yanking all of the girl’s clothes from the hangers and throwing them on the floor.
“Nooo! Okaa-san, no! Please!” Tears streaming down her face, Akito dropped to her knees and began trying to pull the clothes away from her mother.
“Your father indulged you! You were his favorite! He loved you even more than he loved me! That’s unnatural! I never wanted you! I never wanted you! You were never supposed to be born! Your father indulged you! You were his toy!”
Akito was crying so hard that she didn’t even see her mother, who never touched her if she could help it, reach down to rest a hand on her head. “You were just his toy, Akito. But you can’t be that anymore. He’s dead. You have to be strong. You have to be the god that the juunishi are looking for. He is gone and he is never coming back. You must be strong, or you will lose them all.” Ren’s voice was soft, crooning, as she knelt beside her daughter. “It is time that you forget that you were ever a girl. Get dressed, now. We have to go to the funeral.”
Tears blinding her, Akito obeyed, stumbling to the bed where she dressed in the boy’s clothes her mother had lain out. She didn’t turn around as she heard her mother gather the clothes from the floor and leave the room with them.
The sound of the door closing was the loneliest sound Akito had ever heard in her life.
(ii)
Stepping back, Akito rubbed her palm absently, soothing the sting in it. Violet eyes looked up at her, watchful, wary, even as small hands dropped the toy that had led to the slap.
”Get out,” she hissed. “Go! I don’t want you here any longer! Go!”
“But I am supposed to play with you…” He voice squeaked and Akito was almost forcefully reminded of the rodent he represented.
“You are nothing but a toy!” She screeched, making the younger boy in front of her cower. “I only play with you when I choose!” Leaping forward, she slapped him again, harder than before, making him cry out before he fell to the floor. “I can break you, if I want! No one will stop me!”
“Akito-san, please…” He knelt before her and she felt a surge of power, of rightness from his submission.
Viciously, she slapped him again. “Be quiet toy-Yuki. I don’t want to play with you anymore. Go away!”
Wheezing, he staggered to the door, blinded by tears. Over her shoulder, Akito saw her mother watching her. She raised her chin, defiant, and Ren moved away, wordlessly.
Quieting, Akito looked around her. No one would oppose her. She was no mere girl to be scolded by adults. She was, after all, a god.
Reaching out, she picked up the toy that Yuki had dropped. He never should have touched it. It was hers and she didn’t like to share what was hers. The doll looked up at her, purple eyes watching her reproachfully. “You’re mine,” she whispered to it. “You are mine. Yuki is mine. They are all mine. And I don’t have to share.”
(iii)
Of the elder members of the Juunishi, Akito liked Shigure the best. He was the only one who disobeyed the silent dictum to always treat her like a boy. He was always kind to her, snuck her sweets and toys, girl’s toys, when Ren wasn’t looking, and he told her that she was pretty.
It was strange that such a bland complement affected her as much as it did, but she thrilled to his words. As a girl, she had giggled helplessly, earning one of his rakish grins and a rogue wink. As a woman, she had turned to him blindly, seeking someone who would hold her and whom she would believe when he told her she was beautiful. As a god, she wondered what benefit he was hoping to earn.
“Akito,” he had begged once, his skin still flushed from her hands and mouth, his eyes still cloudy in sated lust, his voice almost shy. Turning, naked, she watched as his eyes traced down her body. He sat in her bed, the sheets doing more to emphasize than to hide his body. “Love me…”
Looking at him, Akito felt the three parts of her soul clash, and when she spoke she knew that the god had won. “I do love you, Shigure. You are so very pretty…”
She saw him stiffen and she suppressed a cruel smile. “You are a good dog, Shigure. Loyal and trustworthy.” The flicker in his eyes confirmed for her what she had long suspected, though she didn’t know if it was because she was no longer a mere girl, or no longer a mere woman.
“Love me, Shigure, and I will love you. But I will not be used by anyone.”
(iv)
She knew the moment it happened and she screamed. Maids came running from every direction to tend to her, but it wasn’t until her mother swept into the room that Akito was able to control her hysterical tears.
“Kureno… bring him to me,” she gasped, kneeling on the floor, her fingers scrabbling uselessly at the wood planks. She didn’t look to see if someone ran to obey her. Someone always ran to obey her.
“What is it, Akito?” Ren asked, her voice icily detached and Akito looked up at her mother, her eyes brimming with hatred.
“You do not care about me,” she hissed. “I will not trust you! Go! Leave me!”
“As you wish.” Ren’s eyes were cold, but her smile was cruel. “I will leave you. Eventually, everyone will.” The last words were spoken softly, and they were lost in the noise of Kureno’s arrival.
“OUT!” Akito screamed at the onlookers and they raced to obey her. Stumbling, Akito moved to where Kureno stood, white, shaky. “How?”
He didn’t answer her and she lashed out at him, striking him with closed fists until finally he reached up to gently take her hands and stop her. It was then that she knew she wasn’t trapped in a nightmare. “You’re going to leave me,” she sobbed, her mother’s oft repeated prediction coming back to haunt her.
Kureno stayed quiet, still too stunned by the sudden sense of freedom to answer. Before him, Akito fell to the ground, sobbing as though her heart would break. Slowly, Kureno knelt beside her and gently took her in his arms. “I will not leave you, Akito.”
“Why would you stay?” Akito demanded harshly, knowing that his life had not been easier than that of any other member of the Juunishi… thanks in large part to her.
“I belong here,” he whispered into her hair. “With you.”
“Yes…” Akito answered, weakly. “You do.”
(v)
Hatori smiled at her and Akito stiffened. There was something about his smile that was different, something that she didn’t approve of.
“Hatori-san?”
“Yes, Akito-sama?”
“Your new nurse, what’s her name? Kana-chan? How is she working out for you?”
She knew by the way he stiffened that she had found the source of his new happiness and jealousy flared through her. She did not want him as a lover - she had Shigure and Kureno for those needs – but neither did she want him to be happy with another woman.
Hatori was one of he few who knew that she was a woman, after all, but he had never looked at her like one, unless it was through the eyes of a doctor.
“She is working out beautifully, Akito-sama. I am very happy that she is here.” His tone – cautious, hopeful, happy, worried – enraged her.
“You will have to bring her here to me, Hatori-san, the next time you visit. I have not yet had a chance to see how the two of you get along.”
He turned his eyes to her, then, and she longed to claw them out because of the pained resignation she saw in them. Did he not know that he was hers?
“As you wish, Akito-sama.”
But it wasn’t as she wished. It never was. If it were, she would not have to fight to keep those that were hers with her and interlopers such as this Kana girl would fade into insignificance without her intervention.
Exhausted, she slumped over and Hatori hurried to her, worry foremost in his eyes now. She smiled at him, reaching up to pat his cheek. “Thank you for coming to me, Hatori.”
“I will always come when you need me, Akito.” The doctor dropped the honorific and looked into the eyes of his god with resignation. “Always.”
(vi)
“Rin,” Akito spoke the name with disgust and eyed the girl in front of her. She hated everything about this girl, from the long dark hair and the nickname that was similar enough that Akito was always reminded of her own mother.
“Akito.” Rin stood up straighter, her face carefully neutral.
Rin’s failure to use an honorific curled Akito’s face into a snarl of rage. “You dare, girl? You dare to refer to your god so casually?”
A flicker of fear passed through Rin’s eyes, but her parents had trained her well and her face remained impassive. Akito slipped behind her, her fingers going to curl through Rin’s hair, before fisting in the heavy locks and jerking downward.
Rin, though representing the horse of the zodiac, in her frailness, was unable to stand up to Akito’s might and fell to the ground. Akito drew her hand back and slapped the side of Rin’s head hard enough across the ear that Rin knew she wouldn’t hear anything from it but ringing for days.
“I meant no insult,” Rin whispered, her self-loathing and disgust at her own weakness, her own sudden capitulation, clear in her voice.
“Lies, child. Such lies,” Akito replied, her voice silkily smooth and cast in a tenor that did not reveal more than she wanted. “You cannot lie to your god.”
The bond between that existed between Akito and each of the juunishi flared to life and Rin dropped her face in her hands, her long hair still tangled in Akito’s fingers. “Forgive me, Akito-sama.”
“Perhaps,” Akito murmured, her hands now gently caressing Rin’s head. “In due time.”
(vii)
Hatsuharu proved to be a favorite. He listened to Akito, his eyes wide, his face believing. For the time, it suited Akito to treat the boy well. It allowed her to fill his mind with secret knowledge – that the ox was really the most imbecilic of the juunishi, that the ox should have been first in her heart, and would have been, but for the rat, but for Yuki…
It amused Akito to see the way that Haru’s face twisted in rage when Yuki’s name was brought up. The boy’s tangible despair when Akito sent him away so that she could spend time with Yuki, or any of the others, gave her a sick sense of pleasure. She wanted to be first in his heart, and when she saw that she was, she felt a sense of security that she had not felt since her father died.
“He will leave you, too,” Ren had predicted acidly. “One day, he will know that you are not what you seem and he will choose another to pledge his loyalty to.”
“What do you know?” Akito had raged at her mother, but Ren had merely shaken her head and gone about her business.
That seed of doubt stripped away Akito’s faith in Haru. When she saw him once voluntarily seek out Yuki for a conversation, she stopped calling for him to visit her.
(viii)
Akito had never really given much thought to Kisa. The girl was quiet and timid, even before she became withdrawn. She was everything that Akito resented in the supposed gentler sex – sweet, endearing, innocent… Kisa possessed all these qualities, which made her of little use to Akito.
Therefore, it came as a shock when Hiro told her that he wanted nothing more than to be with Kisa and protect her. A flash of rage swept through her, though she managed to repress it. Akito saw, but she did not believe, that the very traits that drew Hiro to Kisa were the ones that she had thought showed only weakness.
And yet, another member of the juunishi stood before her and innocently proclaimed that he would always love Kisa… would always be there for her… would protect her at all costs. Jealousy flooding through her veins, Akito vowed that Hiro would not do as he said. He would not choose Kisa over her. He would choose his god first; he had to.
Akito mentally decreed that it would be so, and her mouth twisted into a cruel smile that made Hiro step back warily.
In the end, Hiro would not choose the innocent and sweet Kisa over Akito. But, Kisa would be punished for tempting another of the juunishi away from their proper place. It was Akito’s will. It would be so.
(ix)
“The boy’s own mother rejected him.” A voice was whispering in the hallway outside of Akito’s room where the god lay ill. “She deliberately asked Hatori-san to erase her memories so that she would not even remember that she has a son.”
Even though fever wracked her body, Akito turned her head to hear more. Which of the juunishi was this? Hatori would only erase the memories of those who knew the curse.
“The woman doesn’t understand.” The maid sniffed, haughtily. “She isn’t even Japanese…” From the recesses of her memories, Akito saw a blonde German woman’s face appear and sighed. Momiji, then, had been rejected.
Bitterly, Akito thought that it was often the case with those who were affected by the curse. The mothers often couldn’t cope. Rejection, in all its various forms, was a theme that Akito could comprehend.
Despite herself, she felt a small stab of pity for Momiji, whom she knew as a vivacious and cheerful child. Was it better to have a mother who had no memory of you by choice or a mother whose only memories of you were bitter pills to swallow?
“Hatori-san took the boy in,” the maid continued, her voice approving. “He will be cared for and loved.”
Perhaps, Akito thought, that was her answer. Momiji would be cared for and loved. It was more than she had, even though her own mother knew her face.
(x)
Of all the members of the Juunishi, Akito got the most amusement from Ritsu. The cross-dressing monkey’s spastic behavior and almost maniacal need to apologize for every action, although muted in her presence, were never fully suppressed.
When Shigure had shown her how to calm Ritsu down, she and the dog had shared a genuine laugh, real pleasure flashing in her eyes.
“Ritsu, you simply must learn to calm down,” Shigure helped the other cousin to sit up on a cushion from where he had collapsed when Shigure poked him lightly in the side. “It is not healthy to be apologetic.”
“I am sorry, Shigure-san.” The slightly dazed look on Ritsu’s face faded slowly, but he nodded as he folded his hands over the front of his kimono. The small movement drew a frown to Akito’s face, but she shrugged it aside.
In her own mind, she knew that she should censure Ritsu for eschewing his natural male strength to hide, literally, behind women’s clothing. Still, for all her flaws, Akito could not bring herself to criticize another for cross-dressing. Especially not when Shigure’s eyes held that knowing glint that said he was aware of her momentary irritation and wanted to see how she would react.
“Serve the tea, Ritsu,” she ordered and the timid cousin jumped to do as she had asked. Meeting Shigure’s eyes challengingly, Akito lifted her chin slightly. Shigure grinned at her, then raised his steaming cup of tea in a silent toast to her.
(xi)
“Akito-sama,” Ayame’s voice, most often filled with the manic glee that Ayame seemed to summon just from being alive, was subdued. “Akito-sama, my brother…”
“I have allowed him to live with Shigure for the time being.” Akito waived her hand, trying to dismiss the silver haired snake. “He is not here any longer.”
“Thank you, Akito-sama.” Ayame bowed low, then left the room. Akito mulled over his comment. Was he thanking her for the information, as she had at first assumed? Perhaps he was thanking her for letting Yuki go and live with Shigure?
Surely that wasn’t it. Ayame had never cared a whit for his brother, his jealousy engulfing him from the moment that Yuki-kun had been born the rat. Akito had seen the elder brother’s disillusionment as his parents had pushed him, the once favored son, aside in favor of the one born most special in the eyes of the zodiac god.
Akito had played with Ayame’s emotions ever since she’d seen him crying to Hatori. Although the snake was her elder, he craved her attention, her affection, as did all the members of the Juunishi. She deliberately distanced herself from him, calling him to her infrequently, and making sure that Yuki was always there when he came.
For one that constantly sought the spotlight, Akito found the perfect method to ensure that he never left her, that he always craved her presence, her attention, her approval...
She ignored him.
(xii)
Kagura confused Akito. The god’s natural inclination was to dislike the girl… after all, she was a girl. That alone made her a danger, but when the child developed a fascination with the cat of all creatures, Akito left her alone, except to study her in a slightly disgusted way from a distance.
Kagura was the antithesis of all the traits that Akito labeled feminine. Oh, at first, the girl came across as quiet, shy and demure, but that façade quickly fell to the side when Kagura found passion about anything. Then, like the animal that possessed her, nothing stood in her way.
A part of Akito that she would never admit existed was jealous of Kagura - jealous that Kagura’s mother supported her, despite the fact that the girl was possessed by a spirit of the juunishi, despite the fact that Kagura preferred more traditionally masculine activities, despite the fact that Kagura proclaimed her love for the cat, loudly and at length, whether people would listen or no.
Kagura, to all appearances, refused to apologize for herself. To Akito, who sometimes believed that her mother was right about women, this was abhorrent, but it also represented something that the god longed for… freedom to be herself.
Afraid that she would reveal her own jealousy, Akito avoided Kagura, leaving the younger woman to comfort those that Akito rejected to the best of her ability, unaware that the god scrutinized her and found someone to envy.
(xiii)
Akito recognized arrogance. She recognized it from her own mother, who had radiated the astringent atmosphere the way that some mothers exuded love for their children. She recognized it from the way that Ren had always told her to put aside her girlish habits and become a true god to the juunihsi.
She recognized it from the expression in her own eyes on those rare occasions she saw a glimpse of herself in a mirror.
She did not recognize it in Hiro, though the boy appeared to be trying to give off an air of arrogance with all his might. That, she mused, was his problem. Arrogance was not an act, it was a state of being, it was knowledge of superiority. Try as he might, Hiro did not truly believe he was special.
It was an act; his acerbic wit and offensive apathy, he did not mean them. Ironically, this made him both interesting and boring at the same time. Akito was not so unaware of herself that she did not know that the juunishi feared her. Especially the younger ones, who did not know that she was not the man she pretended to be.
Becoming the god allowed her the freedom to make them fear her even as she craved their love so much that her body ached for it. Hiro couldn’t tell her that he loved her; he could only tell her that he loved Kisa.
So she drove him away from that which he most wanted and took his fear as payment for that insult, thereby insuring that never again did he regard her with anything resembling arrogance in his eyes.
(xiv)
Monster.
He didn’t even count as part of the zodiac. It disgusted Akito that she even felt a pull towards him and she knew from the look in his eyes that he shared her disgust to a degree.
Reacting to that revulsion, she drew closer to him, but not close enough to touch… never close enough to touch him. “You are still mine, cat. Make no mistake. You will end your days as mine.” She smiled at him, maliciously. “I’ve built a place for you.”
Kyo jerked away from her, his breath coming harsh and fast. “I will never be yours, Akito. You’ve made that very clear.”
The bitter tone in his voice stopped her and she turned to stare at him. “But you want to be, don’t you, Kyo-kun?” She purred at him. Coming closer, she reached out, but did not touch him. “Of all the cursed, you most want to belong to me.”
The haunted look in his eyes confirmed her suspicion and she laughed, even as she swallowed her revulsion. Naked want shone out from his orange eyes, not fully concealed by the hostility he projected as his shield to the world. If he became hers…
“Tell me, Kyo-kun, how badly do you want to be a member of the juunishi?”
He regarded her warily, swallowing hard. “Why? It doesn’t matter…” He retorted harshly.
“If you become one of us,” Akito countered skillfully, “I won’t lock you away.” She held her breath, watching his eyes grow bigger and his pupils narrow to slits as he considered her words. When he moved, she wasn’t expecting it and she was unable to avoid him as he grabbed her by the shirt and shoved her roughly against the wall.
“Swear it, Akito-sama. Swear you’ll give me a chance.”
She relaxed and smiled at him, and it wasn’t benevolent. “I’ll swear I’ll give you a chance, Kyo. Win your freedom and become one of us. Or spend the rest of your life in the cat’s prison.”
Either way, she thought, you’ll never leave me.
She laughed. She was a god. Kyo and the others belonged to her. And she didn’t have to share.
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Date: 2007-08-11 03:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-11 06:09 pm (UTC)Thanks for letting me know you liked it!
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Date: 2007-08-11 07:10 pm (UTC)OMG!!!! So good!!! You've made a good job here!!! This is Akito and these are all the Juunishi. So well described, so well vivid...
Thank you!!!
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Date: 2007-08-13 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-15 07:45 am (UTC)Akito is in character(well,the other too!)
I like that you write not only about her relation with the Juunishi,but with Ren too.
"Akito felt the three parts of her soul clash",The Holy Trinity of a godess.
thank you!
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Date: 2007-08-16 01:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-31 09:40 am (UTC)